Just Shut Up Award

I give this week's Just Shut Up Award to every stupid patient that has ever called me and whined about their surgery time and/or instructions. In honor of them, I am posting the list of what not to say to the person who gives you your surgery time and instructions. Remember, it is our job to pass along the information, we didn't make the rules.

1. When you say nothing to eat or drink after midnight, does that include water too?

DUH!! What part of nothing don't you understand? I can't tell you how many people don't get this. This rule was made for a reason. If you eat or drink, even water, they will cancel your surgery!

2. My child can't possibly go from midnight to 7:10 without eating or drinking. They will be crying when we get there.

This is not a threat to me, my kids cry all the time-it doesn't bother me if yours do too. And if you think your kid is crying before surgery, wait until you see them afterwards! Also, I can assure you that your kid will not starve if you don't feed them for 7 hours! As a side note to this, in all the years I've been doing this, I've only seen maybe 2 kids come in really upset and their stupid parents had coffee and donuts. The vast majority of kids come in and they are not hysterical because they're hungry.

3. That time doesn't work for me, can we move it back a half an hour?

No-this is not the hair cuttery where you can pop in and get your hair cut any time you want. There is a schedule for a reason and a lot of thought goes into arranging it. I can't fit your surgery in between you manicure and your massage.

4. I don't have anyone to watch my kids while my spouse is in surgery so I'm going to bring them.

Uh, NO! We are not babysitters and children are not allowed in the surgery center. This is on all the information you are given ahead of time. It's up to you to make arrangements for someone to watch them, get them off the bus, etc. Your spouse needs your undivided attention so that the nurse can teach you how to care for them after surgery, otherwise you're calling us back with questions that we already answered when you weren't paying attention.

5. Can I request my anesthesiologist?

Yes, you can but not at 3:00 the day before surgery. Just like our schedule, theirs is set ahead of time and a request at the last minute requires many, many people to change things around.

6. Why does my ride have to stay?

Because we said so. Its in the paperwork you're given before your surgery. Again, we are not babysitters, when you're ready to go you need to leave so another patient can have your recovery spot. Not to mention, God forbid something should happen to you during surgery, we need someone to contact in an emergency!

7. Why can't I bring my whole family?

You do not need a cast of thousands to visit you immediately after surgery. It is elective surgery, you are only going to be here 3-4 hours total. They can visit you at home. Do you really want everyone viewing you right after surgery? You really won't be looking or feeling your best.

8. How much does my surgery cost?

Unless you don't have insurance and I've looked into this ahead of time, I have no idea what to tell you. The fee for surgery is based on the code used for the procedure. We can bill 2 million dollars if we want, your insurance company will only pay what they want to pay and you will owe whatever your portion of that is. For instance, if your insurance company will only pay $300 and you have a 90/10 plan, you'll owe $30. Each insurance company pays differently and since I don't know what your insurance company will pay, I can't tell you what you'll owe. The day before is not the time to try to figure these things out.

9. Why is my co-pay so much?

Call your insurance company. It is your responsibility to know what your copay is when you have surgery. Don't tell me it wasn't that much 2 years ago when you had surgery. Insurance plans change every year, you need to know what the changes are. Its not my job to figure that out for you.

10. Is Dr. (fill your Dr.) a good doctor?

The day before your surgery is not the time to investigate this and what do you expect me to say "I wouldn't let him operate on my dead dog?". Remember, they pay my salary. (Fortunately, the doctors I work for are all great and I can honestly tell people so). I know you're nervous, but someone trusted your surgeon enough to refer you to them, if you're still unsure about their qualifications perhaps you shouldn't have surgery.


If you haven't guessed, this little rant was prompted by yet another annoying patient today. I probably sound a little harsh and unfeeling but my biggest pet peeve is these parents who think their children just can't possibly go without eating for a few extra hours and they whine and moan at me about how they're only 2 or 5 or whatever. Basically they just don't want to deal with their whiny kid. All I can say is please remember when its you/your child who has to have surgery one day-we don't make the schedule with the intention of making your life miserable. Children are scheduled first, but when you have a day with 8 kids under the age of 3 someone is getting a lousy time. Invariably, the ones who really do have a crappy time (and I truly do feel sorry for them) are usually the nicest. Its the ones with the first slot of the day (7:30 am) who whine about their time being so late that make me want to reach through the phone and strangle them. Kids are amazingly resilient and will surprise you with how well they do without eating the moment they open their eyes. I'm a firm believer in the saying "if you don't ask, you'll never know" and "Ask, the worst that happens is they tell you no" so if you must ask these questions, please do it nicely and don't jump down the person's throat when you don't get the answer you want. And if they do jump down your throat, its probably at least the third time they answered the same question today.