Kids say the funniest things...

I was standing in line at the Deli with Collin deciding what kind of lunch meat to get for the week. I asked him if he would eat turkey. He said no, not now. I'll eat it when I'm older and have nose hair. Apparently all old people have nose hair.

This morning I woke Nicholas up gently rubbing his back and talking softly to him saying its morning, time to get up. His first word? Crap! He is definitely my son.

Another Collinism

I got Collin a spiderman costume for Halloween and he got to try it on tonight. Despite the fact that it is supposed to fit sizes 4-6 it just barely fits him. When I realized this I jokingly told him he'd better not grow any bigger between now and Halloween. He said "Ok Mom, I'll stay up all night". All night? Now this is definitely not what I wanted to hear. I was pretty certain I knew why he was saying this but I asked anyway. He told me that he would stay up all night because he grows when he sleeps and I had just told him not grow any before Halloween. Collin hates to go to bed at night so I do tell him that he has to sleep because that is when he grows bigger so his logic makes perfect sense. I just made me laugh because he was so earnest in his desire to stay up all night so he wouldn't grow. In other news I was able to find Nick's "raffe" (giraffe) costume on ebay for a reasonable price. So it should be here in about a week. He's still got his heart set on being a giraffe. Why he picked that I have no idea, last week he wanted to be Mickey Mouse.

Spelling Lesson

We drove to College Park tonight to pick up Tim's cap and gown (YAH!). On the way back Collin was telling jokes. His favorite goes "Want to hear a dirty joke? The pig fell in the mud!" He varies the version periodically, usually involving some form of bathroom humor, think falling in the toilet or in poop. His other favorite joke is the impatient cow knock knock joke which really loses something in text but I'll write it any way,
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Impatient Cow
Impatient Cow Who?
Moo (the key to this joke is you have to moo before the other person finishes saying impatient cow)

It's written exactly as Collin tells it. His comedic timing is not fully developed yet. No matter how hard we try to explain why the joke is funny, he refuses to moo before we finish saying impatient cow who. I've even tried saying it really slowly but he just waits till I'm done and then moos.

Anyway, he's really been interested in how you spell everything these days and with all the talk about cows, he couldn't wait to spell it for me.

Hey Mom, Wanna know how you spell cow?
How do you spell cow Collin?
M-O-M!!!

I am on a diet effective immediately!

Math Lesson

Collin: "Mom, how much is 3+2?"
Me: "I don't know Collin, how much is it?"
Collin: "4"
Me: "No. " Holding up 3 fingers on one hand and 2 on the other. "How many fingers do I have up if I have 3 on this hand and 2 on this one?"
Collin: "A lot!" Lots of giggles.
Me: "Smarty Pants. Try it again. How many fingers do I have up?"
Collin: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 5 fingers Mom".

My child make me cringe again

We went to Costco tonight to do some shopping. I always buy my fruit at either Costco or BJ's because I can get large quantities at really good prices and my boys can eat some fruit. Collin has long since outgrown riding in the basket with Nick and has been walking with us through the store. Tonight I was pushing the cart and Tim was supposed to be corralling Collin. After a while we switched because Collin is easily distracted and not always prone to listening when you ask him to move on with you. We were having one of those moments. Collin was walking along an edge in the frozen foods aisle and I was hissing at him through clenched teeth that he needed to come along NOW. "For the hundredth time, get down from there and lets go." So he gets down, pours on the speed and runs around a corner past an older couple, I'd guess they were in their 70's or so. As he runs past them he turns to me and says "I love beer!" It stops me dead in my tracks and he can see that he's gotten a reaction so he says it a few more times, a little louder each time. The old couple can barely contain their laughter and I'm left standing there wishing he belonged to someone else so I could laugh too. Instead, I'm mortified and herd him toward his father as fast as I can. I then inform Tim that HIS son has informed the entire store that he loves beer. He laughs and says "me too, buddy" and then "Why is he my son?" Because I'm not the one who lets him try beer, that's why. We make it out of the store without any further declarations of affection for products he is far to young for and I'm relaying the story to my mother over the phone when Collin overhears and starts up again. "I love beer. I love wine too!". Damn it. Now I have to claim my son again because Tim doesn't drink wine very often, that one is all me. Somehow he always manages to say things that catch me off guard and make me want to crawl in a hole and die and laugh all at the same time. The funny thing is that we really don't drink very often at all, especially in front of the kids. If I have one or two glasses of wine a month, that's a lot. And yet, somehow he loves wine and beer. That kid doesn't forget a darn thing.

Eww Gross....

Nick's diaper was really, really gross the other day. They kind that goes up his back and is really gross to change. In fact, it took two of us to do it. Tim held him up so that we didn't get any poop on the couch and I was in charge of cleaning him. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of staying neat and clean but apparently I was not because I rubbed my nose without thinking about what might be on my hands and realized I had just wiped poop up my nose. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom to clean up and Tim yelled "where are you going, he's still naked" so I responded "I've got shit up my nose, I'll be back!" Gross, Gross, Gross and double GROSS! I cleaned up and came back to put Nick's diaper and pj's back on and when I returned Collin looked up at me and just as nicely as you please, with genuine concern in his voice asked "Did you get all the shit out of your nose, Mommy?" Oops! Indeed I had gotten it out, but now I'm stuck explaining that I should have said poop and that just because Mommy used a bad word (and he knows its a bad word) doesn't mean that he should repeat it. I need to give up swearing for Lent if for no other reason than if I don't say it, Collin won't think to say it either and hopefully Nick won't learn it. I haven't heard him swear yet, except that when he says fish it comes out shit, just like when Collin said it at his age. Better than mispronouncing truck though...

New word

Collin informed me today that something was "a real humdinger". Where does he get these phrases? It just cracks me up to hear him talk. If he's not using words like humdinger, he's saying stuff like "thats some serious wind" or "actually, mom".

My kids make me smile.

Since we have all these Christmas cookies I let the boys pick one each to have on the way home from daycare. Collin hopped into the van and was getting the cookies out of the bag while I was putting Nick in his car seat. When Nick realized that Collin had the cookies out he put his hand out and said "please, please, please" until Collin handed over a cookie and then he said "thank you". It was the first time I'd heard him say please all on his own. I've been working on it, reminding him to say please when he wants something but he did this all on his own. I was very proud of him.

Collin had an interesting Collinism tonight. Collin was going to bed and he surprised me by getting in bed right away. Then he jumped off his bed and yelled "psych". I thought that word went out in the 80's, where the heck did he hear that one? And how did he manage to use it appropriately? I swear the two of them never fail to amaze me.

Collin spent 20 minutes vacuuming tonight. He wanted to help so Tim hooked up the little attachment to the hose and turned him loose in the dining room. He scoured the floor looking for dirt and cleaned everything he could find and then went looking for more. He was quite upset when I told him it was time to turn it off and go to bed. I'm going to spend some time tonight thinking up some more chores he might enjoy doing. Dusting is probably a good one. Any ideas about what a 3 year old should be able to do?

I look good for my age

My son informed his sitter that I was celebrating a birthday soon. "How old is Mommy going to be?" she asked. 100!!!!

Deal or No Deal

When did having a conversation with my child become like listening to my end of a conversation with someone else? This morning I got Nick up first because he was already awake and babbling happily and I sicked him on Collin to expedite the process because he was dead to the world. Finally, after Collin curled up in a ball and covered himself completely with his covers I gave up temporarily and took Nick into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When we returned to Collin's room, his eyes were open and he was finally ready to start his day. He dressed quickly with a little help from me and was ready to use the potty and brush his teeth when I heard him say to his brother "Come on Nick, we're late!" I must utter this phrase 100 times every morning before we leave the house. When his brother didn't respond in the expected manner Collin muttered "Oh for God's sake" which sent me into fits of giggles because it was just like I say it over and over every day. It was a spot on imitation of me. Then in target this afternoon he spotted something and said "Dude! Look at this!" And I cringed. Not so much because he said it, but because I realized that some time ago "dude" crept into my vocabulary and I use it way more than I should. It's one of those words I don't particularly like but I use it without even thinking about it. I will now be making a conscious effort not to use that word because I didn't particularly like the way it sounded coming out of my 3 year old's mouth. While we were in Target I spotted peanut m&m's for trick-or-treating for $2 per bag so I grabbed 2 bags because peanut m&m's are my favorites. Collin asked if he could have some and I explained that they weren't for us, they were for the trick-or-treaters. I thought that was the end of it until I was strapping him into his car seat. He looked up at me and said "I'll make you a deal, Mom. How about one bag is for me and Nick to share and the other bag is for the trick-or-treaters? What do you think? Is that a good deal?" I have to give him lots of credit for his logic. He figured out that there were two bags and if he gave one to the trick-or-treaters, there would still be a bag left for him. I did end up opening one bag and letting him have a pack after dinner. I have to take credit for the "deal" line too. Sometimes when he's being completely unreasonable, I'll offer to make him a deal so that he thinks I'm giving in on something but really I'm just doing something I was going to do anyway while getting him to do what I want him to do. For example, the other day Collin was refusing to go to the bathroom before going to bed because he didn't want to go to bed. He kept insisting that he didn't have to use the potty and he wasn't putting pj's on. I don't particularly care what he wears to bed as long as it is warm/cool enough for the night time temperature. It's just not worth a fight to me. However, I told him I wanted him to go potty and put his pj's on so he could go to bed because ideally that's how it should work. When he began pitching a fit I made a "deal" with him that if he went to the potty, he could wear whatever he wanted to bed. If he chooses to sleep in jeans and is uncomfortable all night, maybe next time he'll choose his pj pants. All I care is that I'm not changing the sheets in the middle of the night.

That's Crap

Collin wants to be a pirate for Halloween. It's appropriate because he's picked up a few words worthy of a salty sea faring pirate. We've been working very hard at using appropriate words like phooey and sugar and darn it. Unfortunately for me, he's noticed he gets quite a rise out of me when he slips and says damn it so I think he's "slipping" on purpose because he looks at me as soon as he says it and giggles and say "I mean Oh Phooey!" The problem is he uses the phrase in an appropriate way, in the exact tone and inflection that I normally use it. I'm trying very hard to completely removed that phrase from my vocabulary and I've been doing a pretty good job. Tonight he was playing the wii with his Dad and every time he bowled and left a pin standing he would say "darn it". Finally, it was the last frame and it was Daddy's turn. Tim aimed carefully, threw the ball down the lane and managed to bowl and 8-10 split. Collin looks up at him and goes "That's Crap Dad!" A PERFECT imitation of something I would have said had that happened to me. I can get rid of damn it pretty easily but crap is going to be a lot harder. And even if I don't say those words, Collin isn't going to forget them, or the fact that he can use them to get a reaction out of any adult in the room.

Another Collinism

Tim took Collin downstairs to the freezer to get the icecream sandwiches we were having for desert tonight. When he opened the door and Collin spied the box he said "Hellloooo Gorgeous!" Again, dont' ask me where he picked it up, I haven't a clue.

My boys are up to.....

Since Nick got his tubes put in a couple of weeks ago he has really been talking up a storm! He now uses Momma on a regular basis. In addition to that he says Sadie, shoe and thank you. He also says done, all gone and get down when he wants to go down the stairs. And of course, he's been saying daddy forever now. Its amazing how much his vocabulary has increased in just a couple of weeks.

Collin has been talking up a storm too. In fact, he never stops talking. The other night I asked what he wanted to eat for dinners this week and he said Mac-n-Cheese (shocker). I asked if we could try homemade mac-n-cheese and he said "is that the yucky kind that Grampa makes?" My dad made homemade mac-n-cheese once somewhere between 6 months and a year ago and Collin declared it "disgusting" because it wasn't the kind in the box. I find it hysterical that he hasn't forgotten it. I asked him what he was doing this afternoon and he said "Nothing, Mom. Just chillin' out." Not quite sure where he picked that one up but it made me laugh.

Between the two of them, Collin and Nicholas keep me laughing. If they aren't saying something funny, they're making funny faces or doing something silly that you can't help but laugh at. For example, Nick was playing with these stacking balls (well half balls really-there's 10 of them and they can be paired up to make balls) that have a hole in the center and he began looking at me through the hole and laughing his little butt off. I began looking at him through the hole too and we laughed and laughed for a good 20 minutes over it. Then I began touching his nose and saying beep. He thought that was hysterical too and he began whacking my nose and making noises. He hasn't learned to be gentle yet so I had to put a stop to that game but it was fun while it lasted. There is nothing better than doing silly stuff to have fun with your kids. It makes me feel like a kid again.

Guacamole is a bad word

Collin was back at the ENT today to follow up with the ear infection he had last week. It's gone but there is some fluid left in his right ear. We're just going to watch it for now. Both of his tubes are out and the holes where they were put in are closed so, aside from the fluid, everthing looks great. There is certainly no problems with his hearing. He hears and repeats everything you say. It was a good visit. Collin was well behaved and the news was good. Tim and I took the boys to Macaroni Grill for dinner on the way home and again, they were reasonably well behaved. The restaurant was basically empty because it was 4:45 when we got there so the few times I had to hiss at them to knock it off I didn't feel too bad about it. Since Tim picked the boys up and brought them to meet me for their appointments we had two cars so we each took a kid home. I noticed that the highway was backed up so I opted to take the back road to the highway. (Tim took the highway to begin with and sat in traffic for only a few minutes) A half hour later I commented "holy guacamole! There is so much traffic." Collin got upset and said "Don't say that Mom. That's a bad word!" Guacamole? OK. I was amused but let it go. Moments later I hear "Holy CRAP! That IS a lot of traffic. Damn it". Bottom line, in his little mind, guacamole is a swear word but crap and damn it are both OK. Not good. We had a nice little chat about how crap is not a nice word and shouldn't be used and if I hear damn it out of his mouth even one more time, there will be no more TV for an undetermined, but extended period of time. Honestly, I hadn't heard him say either one of those in ages so I'm not really sure why he pulled them out today. I'm hoping they go right back in the "words I'd better not use in front of the 'rents" folder and stay there for a good long time.

I'll Never Have a Recording Contract

When we got the Shrek 3 DVD this Christmas it came with a Shrek soundtrack cd which I had forgotten about until I came across it the other day. I recently popped it into the cd player in the car because I'm a little sick of the same 4 songs Collin likes to listen to ad nauseum. I'm not as smart as I think I am. Now instead of getting to listen to 4 songs he wants to listen to exactly 1. He absolutely loves Smashmouth's All Star and now he knows a good portion of the words. We had it on this afternoon on the way home and I was happily singing along until I heard a little voice from the back "Mom? Can you please let Shrek sing it?" Damn, even my 3 year old knows I can't sing!

3 Going On 30

Saturday night I took Collin to Michael's with me to get some scrapbooking supplies. Since he's been really good lately and didn't want to ride in a cart and I really didn't need one I decided to let him walk with me. He was perfectly fine through most of the store. At some point he decided he'd had enough and took off. I took off after him but he turned the corner on the aisle and was gone. I ran up and down the nearest couple of aisles but couldn't find him. Since I was close to the front of the store I ran up front and asked if anyone had seen him. Someone said they'd just seen him zip by and pretty soon the whole store was looking for him. I was terrified since we were so close to the front of the store and I didn't know whether or not he would go outside, not to mention all of the other horrifying things that could potentially happen to a lost child. Fortunately a couple of employees managed to grab him by the hand and lead him back to me. He was only gone a couple of minutes but it felt like an eternity. When he saw me, before I could even open my mouth to speak to him, he ran to me and hugged me and said (I swear to God he really said this) "Mom! Where have you been? I was so worried about you!" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I was so relieved to see him. It was like he was reading my mind and knew exactly what I wanted to say to him! Needless to say we had a long talk about running away from Mommy and Daddy and strangers and he will be in a cart from now on, no matter how good he promises to be.

At Least I Know He's Listening

Since the weather has gotten nice lately (OK, it was nice before it got ungodly hot) we've had the doors and windows open which means that my dog goes nuts every time someone walks by or she catches a whiff of another dog. She started the other night and before I could even open my mouth Collin turned around and yelled "knock it off Sadie". It was a spot on imitation of me. I am forever saying that to her because I don't want to say "Shut-Up". I'd really hate to hear that out of my child's mouth.

Another favorite phrase of mine is "I'm done with ..." Fill in whatever's getting on my nerves at the time. Tonight Collin was blowing bubbles outside while Tim was grilling. I popped out to check on them and Collin informed me "If Dad pops my bubble I will be so done with him" Again spot on imitation of the tone and inflection of my voice when I use this phrase. All I could do was shut the door and burst out laughing. I could see Tim was trying hard to hold back his own laughter. I did hear a "way to go Er, that is so you" through the glass.

Hey! At least I know he's listening to me when I'm talking to him and apparently everyone else too.

The things they say...

Since we've been potty training pretty intensively we've been making a huge deal about it every time Collin uses the potty. So when my Dad went to the bathroom the other day and forgot to lock the door, Collin barged in on him and got very excited. "You're peeing in the potty Grampa! Mommy, Come look! Grampa's peeing in the potty!" That got a "yeah Grampa" from the rest of us and a reminder to all to lock the bathroom door behind you if Collin is around.

At dinner we were trying to coax Collin into eating anything, really. I said "How about taking one little bite. It's really good!" Collin looked me square in the face and without missing a beat said "how about.....(dramatic pause and serious attitude) NO!" It sounded really funny and we all laughed (but it's really not something I want to encourage). I couldn't imagine where he had gotten such a phrase or such attitude. Then about 8 o'clock that night he came upstairs and said "How about we watch a movie?" Without even thinking I responded "how about....no" BUSTED! Once again, Mommy needs to remove a phrase from her vocabulary because it really isn't very cute when your 2 year old repeats it back to you.

I can't remember where we were when I told Collin "if you don't stop it right now, I'm gonna..." I didn't finish the phrase because I hadn't decided what the punishment was going to be yet. I was torn between put you in time out and take away tv. Before I could make up my mind Collin finished my sentence with "beat your butt!". Lesson learned: If a phrase will not sound nice coming out of your child's mouth, don't use it. I've told him in a moment of utter frustration before that I was going to beat his butt, but I would never actually do it. I'm not a big fan of spanking, I've only done it once when I was trying to get him to stop biting and I felt horrible afterward. I cried right along with him.

On at least a daily basis, he says something that makes me laugh or cringe or both. I can't wait until Nick starts talking too and I can hear all the things they come up with together.

Mean Old Mom's Cleaning Frenzy Just Got a Whole Lot Easier

I've been on a cleaning frenzy for the last week or so. Spring is here, I'm tired of all the mess and I'm determined to renew my New Year's resolution and really stick to it this time. Just one problem, in the middle of all this cleaning, my vacuum cleaner up and died. And not just not sucking so great anymore died (because it's not-perhaps we should have had it serviced in the last 6 years) it died complete with smoke and a really nasty smell that lingered throughout the house, of course at 9pm because I don't clean while my kids are awake. And of course I was vacuuming out the couch cushions before I did the floor so the part that needed to be done worst of all didn't get done. So tonight, after some research at Consumer Reports (they just happened to test vacuum cleaners in January of this year) I went and got myself a new one. It's a Kenmore Progressive bagless. The one with the bag got slightly higher ratings but I really wanted one without a bag. I think they both rated as best buys. Anyway, I absolutely love the thing. It has a feature called Intelliclean that shows you how dirty your carpet is while you're vacuuming. Mine was beyond gross. I'm talking embarrassing. I probably spent an hour vacuuming tonight and picked up so much stuff it's ridiculous. The intelliclean has different lights that light up while you're vacuuming. Green means little to no dirt. 1 amber light means light dirt, 2 slightly heavier and 2 ambers and a red means your carpet is filthy and the vacuum is working at its maximum capacity. My carpet started out in the red but by the time I was done, is in the 1 amber to green range. It needs a really good shampooing and then it will look really good. Even the areas where it was filthy from the kids and the dog tracking dirt in look considerably better.

When I went out to get the vacuum cleaner, Tim was just putting Collin to bed and I told him that I was going to buy a new vacuum cleaner and I would check on him when I got back. I was only gone 45 minutes because I knew exactly what I wanted when I walked into the store. When I got back Collin was still up and the first thing I heard when I opened the door was "Mommy, what color is the vacuum cleaner?". Tim said he just couldn't sleep because he was so excited about it so we let him come downstairs for a good look. It's purple by the way. Collin helped me take everything out of the box, put the handle on and wind the cord. He wanted so badly to read the instruction manual with me. Finally, he helped me vacuum. I've never seen a little kid so excited about vacuuming but it made me happy. Too bad he won't be this excited to vacuum when it shows up on his chore list in a few years. I finally got him back to bed around 9:15 and he was still talking about the new vacuum cleaner and how we had to get rid of the old one because it was smokin'.

In other Collin news, he informed me today that I was old and mean, although not in the same sentence. I don't know why he thinks I'm old, but I'm mean because I punished him for running away from me for the 3rd day in a row. We haven't turned the tv on all week because he keeps doing that. He asked Tim last night what "freakin'" means. To which his daddy responded "that's not a nice word and we don't use it, ERIN". He's right, I really need to watch my language better. I don't swear in front of the kids but, occasionally, I use other words that don't sound too nice when they come out of the mouth of a 2 year old. This morning, as I was bribing him with everything I could think of to use the potty, he finally looked at me and asked "Mommy, why do I have to pee in the potty to get something?" I felt like a rotten mom. He's right; he shouldn't have to pee in the potty to get something and I don't want to teach him to expect a reward for every little behavior. I'm just frustrated because he's almost 3 and he has the ability to use the potty, he just chooses not to. Feel free to drop me your suggestions because at this point, I'll try just about anything.

Another new phrase

Once again, my son has made me giggle by just opening his mouth. He was sitting on the potty playing with some bath toys while trying to make a #2 and after a while, I decided it just wasn't coming and we needed to go put a diaper and pj's back on. As usual, Collin pulled out all of his best stall tactics to which I responded "sorry bud, that's not going to work tonight. Let's go get dresseed." He responded with a cheerful smile and "oh, phooey". Is that even how you spell it? I don't know. I'd love to know where he learned that one because it's definately not a phrase that I use. I wonder what he'll amuse me with next!